Chapter 18: God Reassesses the Physics Of The Universe
The Loud Boys in The Lost Mine of Phandelver, A D&D Report
Jake stared in horrified disbelief at the corpse that only seconds ago had been the knight accompanying him into the gangsters’ hideout. The nothic whose rotting gaze had inflicted such mortal damage on Sildar Hallwinter was slowly advancing, its psychic laughter echoing shrilly in Jake’s mind. He wished now he had never separated from Uayak and Kila. The monster didn’t look fearsome, and according to the textbook, it shouldn’t have been so deadly. Its challenge rating was only two! Not that he had a lot of real experience adventuring, but he had studied the monster handbook since childhood. A two shouldn’t have killed an accomplished knight like Sildar. Not in one glare.
*****
In a distant section of the hideout, as they dodged traps in a hallway, Uayak and Kila heard the shriek.
“That sounded like Jake,” said Kila hesitantly.
Uayak shrugged. “He wanted to separate, he can deal with it,” he said shortly.
The big human looked down the hallway. They had managed to navigate a pit trap without injury but it was going to be complicated to traverse it again to try and get back to Jake.
“Ok,” said Kila, and followed the halfling around the corner.
*****
As the nothic approached, Jake racked his brains for a spell which might eliminate his opponent quickly. His legendary memory presented option after option, but each was quickly dismissed. A monster which could make such quick work of a knight like Sildar would laugh at the firepower Jake commanded- might which he had previously thought more than sufficient. As he mentally flicked from cover to cover of his spellbook, Jake found his memory flashing back to the fight with the twig blights in Thundertree, and with the adolescent dragon on the tower. Then too, the monsters had inflicted ridiculous amounts of damage- something he had not noticed at the time, but now, with his cognition thrown into high gear by impending doom, a fact which stood out in its incongruosity.
How had Kila almost died from one puff of the dragon’s poisoned breath?
How had the blights- barely more than animated sticks- been able to slice so deeply with their twiggy claws?
The world began to waver around Jake. His ears felt blocked, as though he was underwater. A noxious smell crept into his nostrils. And then, though in the still and stony cavern nothing was moving anyway, everything stopped moving.
I didn’t think nothics knew time stop, was his last thought before everything went black.
*****
He blinked his eyes.
He stood with Kila and Uayak in a white space. Though he certainly was not falling, there was no floor. He moved his hand sideways, and was stopped- not by a wall, or any sensation. His hand just couldn’t move any further.
Uayak was tapping his foot, his brows furrowed. The halfling emanated a frustration which had been building over the last few days of the adventure. A dull dagger was spinning intricate patterns through his fingers.
“Did you do this, wizard?”
Jake shook his head. “I can’t even get misty step right yet. I’m nowhere near learning plane shift.”
A cool voice vibrated through the space. It didn’t seem to be emanating from anywhere in particular.
“It’s all right, halfling. I pulled you all here.”
The three adventurers spun around, creating quite a pretty whirligig effect.
“You won’t be able to see me,” continued the voice, an amused tone suffusing it. “I’ve transported you to- let’s call it a halfway point. I need to talk with you.”
“A halfway point?” said Jake. “Why can’t we go to your plane? Then we could see you.”
“You wouldn’t survive my plane, Jake,” said the voice. “Now, there’s something we need to sort out. Why are you getting wounded so easily?”
“What? How do you know my name?”
“I know all your names, Jake, Kila, Uayak. I know your histories, I know your stories, I know your destinies. I even know your secret names. What I don’t know, is why Sildar died, and why you are having so much trouble with the monsters.”
Kila sat down, taking a small rag out of his pocket. He looked odd, sitting on the white nothing. “I don’t get what’s happening,” he said, “and I’m going to clean my axe until you two work out what’s going on and tell me what to do next.” He started humming as he polished Hew’s blade, and resolutely ignored the remainder of the conversation.
Uayak stepped forward threateningly. (Though one could as easily have said, in that blank dimensionless dimension, that he stepped backward.) “What game are you playing? Are you spirit, demon, god or fey?”
The voice laughed. “Close enough to God for you,” it said. “And yes, a game. But a fatal one for you, if I don’t fix this. Look, I’m trying to help you. Something’s wrong with the amount of damage the monsters are doing.”
“Yes, I’ve been saying that all along,” said Uayak huffily, but he put the dagger back in its hidden sheath.
“Tell me exactly what happened,” said the God’s voice. So they did, in great detail, and bits of movable map and illusion appeared in the air as they spoke to illustrate the specific movements and actions they took in each battle.
“I can’t see where it’s gone wrong,” mused the God’s voice, after the conclusion of the matter. “I’ve been over the equations, and everything seems to work out.”
“Can I see?” said Jake.
They felt as though they were being appraised, though there were no visible eyes to appraise them.
“All right,” said the God’s voice eventually, and a piece of paper hung in the air before him. The wizard scrutinised the equations.
“So, this bit is the damage the monster inflicts?” he said, pointing.
“Yes. You see, it’s x(ydz + a), where y is the number of z-sided dice. That introduces an element of chance. And a raises the minimum damage done.”
“Oh, so x is the average damage then?”
“What?”
“The average damage. If you add one to z then multiple by half of y, then add a, that’s x, isn’t it?”
There was a thoughtful pause.
“I thought we were meant to multiply ydz + a by x,” said the God’s voice sheepishly. “Since it was in the bracket.”
“You mean, we’ve been taking extra damage,” said Uayak, voice dangerously low. Multiple daggers appeared, as if by magic. “Lots of extra damage.”
“Um, possibly,” said the God’s voice. The whiteness took on a green tone, as if attempting to calm them down by simulating nature without any actual nature. “I haven’t done this before, if you must know. This is my first time being a God. I’ll make it up to you. Why don’t we restart the nothic fight?”
“What’s a nothic?” said Uayak suspiciously. “And why do we need to restart it?”
“Oh,” said the God’s voice carelessly, “Sildar died in one hit. But that was my fault for miscalculating the damage. I’ll adjust the world’s physics and turn time back a little. I’m very sorry for all the troubles you’ve had. But everything should be working just fine now! I hope you enjoy the rest of the adventure!”
Before the furious “Wait!” could leave Uayak’s mouth, the dimension went black and everything was-
*****
Jake’s eyes widened. “A nothic!”
Sildar grimaced. They stood in the large natural cavern, a cold breeze brushing their hair. The wizened creature stood next to the rock pillar on the other side of the crevasse. Its psychic laugh echoed in their minds. “A what?”
“A nothic! Creatures who were once wizards, they dared to unlock magical secrets they couldn’t fathom. They are no longer the wizards they once were and have no memories of their previous lives.” Jake’s voice made the subtle shift from textbook recitation to his usual conversational tone. “It’s a wizard gone mad with forbidden knowledge!”
“So we can’t reason with it?” said Sildar grimly. “Then we must destroy this evil.”
Jake’s fingers flickered with flames.
“Yes,” said the elven wizard grimly. “We must.”
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Read on in chapter 19!
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