Chapter 20: Crashing a Castle
The Loud Boys in the Lost Mine of Phandelver, a D&D Report
No one wants to read about the tying up of loose ends. Working out how many enemies were dispatched, what items could be looted from which rooms and to whom they should be given, journeying to report back to the mayor of Phandalin and the chilly goodbyes said to Sildar Hallwinter (who made sure his organisation knew who exactly had killed Iarno Albrek and his own disapproving stance on the matter)- while necessary to advance the story and improve the combat abilities of the Loud Boys, are not details which contribute in a positive manner to a reading experience.
So we rejoin our party of intrepid adventurers on a winding forest path as Jake admires his new glass staff and Kila spots squirrels and woodland avians and Uayak practices his knife throwing. They walk in order of descending height: the burly human fighter with the axe Hew strapped to his back, trees branches leaning away as the glinting metal blade jaunts past; the slender elfin form muttering to his shiny new toy; the halfling festooned with pouches and pockets melding into the shadows of the branches slowly returning to their previous positions, assured that the threat of the axe had gone.
“Where are we going again?” said Kila suddenly. He stopped in a temporary clearing, trees sidling through the earth away from him like an arboreal crop circle forming around an extraterrestrial visitor.
“What? Why are you leading if you don’t know where we’re going?” said Jake in exasperation. The staff in his hand caught the sunlight now pouring over them and cast rainbow prisms onto Jake’s face. “You’ve got the map!”
“Oh yeah…” Kila swung his pack onto the ground and started rummaging.
Uayak sidled into the sunlight pool, a sheet of parchment in his hand. “I think this is what you’re looking for.”
Kila looked up. “Oh. When did I give you that?”
The halfling shrugged. “Look,” he said patiently. “Right here. We’ve probably got another five minutes’ walking.”
Jake peered over. “I can’t tell where the entrance to the castle is,” he said. “Sildar’s just drawn an X for the whole building.”
“I don’t think Sildar’s been to Cragmaw Castle before,” said Uayak, stuffing the map into one of his pockets. “Do we have a plan to get in? Remember, we’re trying to find our employer, the dwarf-”
“Oh right!” said Kila, eager to show that he had been following. “You mean, the dwarf who hired us to take his stuff to the town, what’s-his-name-”
“Gundren Rockseeker,” inserted Jake automatically.
“- Yeah, him, and he’s still missing.” A frown developed. “Wait, does that mean we haven’t been paid for delivering the goods?”
Uayak sighed, a tad over-dramatically. “It’s all right. I made sure the shopkeeper paid us.”
The frown deepened. “Then who’s got the money?”
“What are you talking about?” said Uayak. “I’ve got it. I’ve been the money keeper the whole time. I’ve been managing our inventory.”
“Why can’t I hold it? How come you get to have all the money?”
“I don’t have all the money, I’m just taking care of it-”
“Yeah, actually, I want to hold some of the money!” interjected Jake.
Uayak rolled his eyes. “Here,” he said, throwing a tinkling pouch to each of them. “We need to stop getting distracted. Now, as I was saying-”
“Cool!” said Kila, peering into his pouch. “I’ve got the copper coins! There’s so many of them!”
“Yeah, but I’ve got more actual money, you know silver coins are worth more than copper coins so even if there are less coins there’s more worth-”
“Loud Boys! Pay attention!” snapped Uayak.
“Sorry,” muttered the other two.
“Right. We’re trying to find the dwarf. He initially got kidnapped by goblins with Sildar Hallwinter. We managed to rescue Sildar, but the dwarf had already been taken elsewhere. We found out that the Redbrand Ruffians have been led by a member of the Lords’ Alliance turned criminal, whose glass staff you now have, Jake. He had been subverted by someone called the Black Spider, who also seems to have something to do with the local goblin tribes. We’re now heading to Cragmaw Castle, which the druid in the ruined town of Thundertree mentioned as a site of goblin activity and potentially where the dwarf was taken.”
Kila was looking admiringly at Uayak. “That was a great summary, I’d forgotten why we were going around killing things. How do you remember all that?”
“Do we need a reason to kill things?” asked Jake in genuine surprise. A spark crackled between his fingers as if in anticipation.
“Right. Focus. We are going to go to the castle. Do we need to prepare anything?”
“Um, I worked out what this staff does,” said Jake. “Look, if you kind of twist it like this and then whisper, it’ll cast a shield spell on you.”
“So,” said Uayak, “Do you want to do that now, then?”
“Oh,” said Jake. “Oh, all right then!”
With the exposition dump out of the way, the Loud Boys proceeded down the path. At the edges of the forest, where beech and oak started to thin, the three adventurers could see the outline of Cragmaw Castle becoming clearer. The castle consisted of seven towers of different sizes and heights and in various states of collapse. A short flight of steps led up to a terrace in front of the main entryway, where a shadowed hall could just be seen through the wreckage of a pair of sundered doors. Round towers loomed over the entryway, with dark arrow slits looking down on the terrace. There was no movement visible.
A large oak trunk served as a convenient vantage from which to peer.
“I reckon we should try to climb that tower,” said Jake, pointing at the smaller tower to the right of the entrance. “Then we can get up to the arrow slits and look inside and then maybe we can destroy whoever is in there!”
Uayak eyed the invitingly shadowy entrance to the hall. “What do you think, Kila? We’re a democracy here.”
Kila shrugged. “I don’t mind. We can do whatever you think.”
Jake was jiggling with excitement. “I’ve got my spell ready! I want to turn them into ice cubes this time, do you think ray of-”
“No, Jake,” said Uayak. At this stage his eyes were going to be able to generate electricity, they were rolling so often. “Do you really think you can climb up to that arrow slit?”
Jake peeked around the oak again. “Well…”
“No, you can’t. You’re not dextrous at all. You’ll get up a foot at best and slip off and hurt yourself falling down and then you’ll be useless for the fight. You and Kila should go in the main entrance. I’ll climb up and see what I can do.”
“Fine,” said Jake with detectable sulkiness. “What about those Redbrand cloaks we took then?”
“What about them?”
“If the Redbrand wizard was a minion of the same people who have something to do with the goblins here, then maybe the goblins will think we’re on their side if we wear the Redbrand cloaks?”
Uayak put his head to one side, looking up at the elfin wizard with an expression of curious surprise. “And here I was, thinking that your memory was the most useful thing about you.”
“Hang on, what about my burning hands spell?” protested Jake.
Kila handed a cloak to the wizard and donned one himself. “How do I look?”
Uayak sighed some more. What with the eye rolling and the sighing, he could be lighting up a small town by now. The young human in his leather armour loomed, innocence and cheer somehow radiating from every joint. “Not like a gangster. But hopefully goblins won’t be able to distinguish the finer points of human body language and clothing customs. All right, my Loud Boys. Let’s go and crash this castle.”
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